How do these kinds of gradual changes happen? More importantly, are these good things to allow to happen to us, or are they a threat to our own mental and emotional free will? This post explores some of these questions and tries to find a solution that allows us to live in society, but remain true to our own values.

Life in an Open System

All people are subject to the influences that surround us. Unless you are a hermit cut off from all communication with the outside world, you will encounter many ideas, opinions and lifestyle choices that are different from your own. Over time if you are around certain influences often enough, you may adopt those viewpoints as your own. Most of the time, these types of changes aren’t a problem because many of the choices that we make (i.e., is brown or blue a better color for me?) are pretty value neutral. However, if you are committed to living your life intentionally and keeping in line with your values, it is important to pay attention to little shifts in thought and behavior and check them against your core values.

So, what is the difference between an intentional change and change that comes from external influences? And how can you work with both to live a life that is in line with your values?

Internally Driven Change

When most people think about thought or behavior change, they think about making a conscious decision to change and then following up on it. This is certainly one path to change, and it is often the most powerful path to take.

The diagram to the left illustrates the forces at work in this type of change. You are at the center of the process and change is radiating out from your thoughts and actions. It is always possible that you can influence others to change, but this is not guaranteed.

The “Green” movement that is so popular at the moment provides a lot of examples of a single person making a conscious decision to change their own actions. When Willie Nelson began fueling his tour bus with biodiesel, he was one of the few people taking this step. His own thought process and values (concern for the environment and for American farmers) led him to make that change.

One of the consequences of internally driven change is that it can leave you in a solitary – often lonely – position. If other people in your social and professional circles aren’t making the same changes it can be difficult to maintain the change. When I decided to become a vegetarian over 10 years ago, there were very few people in my part of the country following this lifestyle. I faced some resistance from friends and family who thought that my choice was unhealthy. There also were not a lot of resources available at that time that supported a vegetarian lifestyle. I persisted in the change only because it was such a strong part of my value system. It certainly would have been easier to just go back to being an omnivore.

Externally Driven Change

Change that is driven externally often happens more slowly and more subtly than a change that is made consciously. As you are exposed to other people, advertising, media, literature, and everything else you encounter in your daily life, it inevitably begins to influence your thoughts and actions. This path to change is not always intentional, and it is not always in line with your personal values, but it is nearly unavoidable.

Sticking with the “Green” movement example, in many communities there is a growing stigma against owning an SUV. Many people who would have purchased an SUV – or who owned one in the past – are now shopping for smaller, more fuel efficient vehicles. This may be partially in keeping with their own desires, such as their desire to spend less money on gasoline. However, their decision is also influenced by the social pressures they face. If they purchase another SUV, their neighbors might suggest that they aren’t eco-friendly or green, so they purchase a compact car and tell themselves that it was solely their decision.

In this example, many of us would say that the social pressure that influenced our new compact car owner led to a positive change – one that will help the environment as well as the bank account. However, the change may not be in line with that person’s core values. They may value activities like camping that are limited by their new car, or they might have many family members that can’t ride with them now that they have fewer passenger seats. That person is the only one that knows if their car purchase decision aligns with their values.

To some extent or another, this process happens to all of us. I may think that it was my decision to buy soy milk instead of cow’s milk, or to study philosophy not electrical engineering, but it is highly likely that I was influenced in those decisions by my friends, doctor, advertisers, or a desire to irritate my parents.

Am I Being Brainwashed?

Reading through these descriptions may leave you feeling that you have little control over the way that your external influences cause you to change. While it’s true that we are all being influenced all the time, I don’t want to leave you with the impression that you have no say in the process! If you check you current behaviors – and the direction those behaviors have been taking – and find that they conflict with your core values, it may be time to take some conscious steps and drive change in the direction that you want to travel. Here are three things you can do to take control of the way that your life is changing.

• Change your influencers. The people you spend the most time with are the single biggest influencers on your opinions and actions. If you want to stay true to your internal values, it is important to keep company with people who support those values. This doesn’t mean that you have to agree with everything that all of your friends think, but it does mean that you can’t hang around with people who believe the opposite of everything you believe and expect that your values will never change.
• Do periodic value checks. The next time you balance your checkbook or pay your bills, take 10 minutes to think about how your thoughts and actions align or fail to align with your core values. The things you spend money and time on are good indicators of this. If you value health more than television, but spend $150 on satellite TV every month and only $50 on produce, it may be time to change your behaviors.
• Take responsibility for everything you do. Even though you are influenced by many outside factors, you are the person who makes the choice to take one action or another. The more you become accustomed to doing value checks, the more you can make choices that align with your values. If social pressures influence you to make choices that don’t align with your values, explain your values to your friends and avoid influences like television that have a negative impact on you in the future.

As the saying goes, no man is an island. We all live in an open system and are subject to all types of influences on a daily basis. If you want to make more conscious decisions, you have to continuously monitor your choices and make sure that they align with your personal values. Do you have any techniques for staying true to yourself despite external influences? If you do, please share them in the comments.

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That may be okay for small choices, but decision making is a vital part of the change process. Unless we plan to just hang around while life happens to us and our organizations, at some point we will have to make decisions about out future actions

When I sat down to really dissect what decision making looks like, I realized that it is much more complex than it seems I went looking around the ‘net and in business management books and found many tools and techniques for making decisions. This suggests that making decisions is actually quite difficult for most people, despite it being a common activity.

Definition
There are many, many definitions of decision making. The common elements that make up a decision among the definitions I have seen seem to be:

• Conscious Thought. Decision making has to include conscious thought. This rules out actions done through habit or instinct. Breathing isn’t really a choice. In some cases, taking addictive drugs is no longer a choice.
• Two or More Possible Actions. If you only have one option, you can’t actually make a decision. Ford offered the Model T in “any color you want, as long as it’s black.” There were no other options, so the buyer had no real choice of color.
• Moment of Selection. For a real decision to be made, you have to select from the possible options. Note that this selection may mean doing nothing or choosing not to decide. However, the absence of action is still a choice. For example, I can choose to ignore my phone – that is a decision in which I make a choice to not take action.

To sum all of these elements up, it seems that Decision Making = Thought + Possible Actions + Active Selection.

Rock, Paper, Scissors
One of the obstacles to making good decisions seems to be the overabundance of information and possible choices currently available to us. Other people have written extensively about the tyranny of choice – the concept that we have so many choices available to us now that we get overwhelmed just buying dishwasher soap. In many cases we seek out much more information than is needed to make an “informed” choice and we end up paralyzed.

For those of us who tend to suffer from analysis paralysis, I have good news. As I’ve mentioned before on this blog, in many cases it doesn’t really matter what you decide.

The key to being happy with a decision is to remain committed to the decision that you’ve made and realize that it leads down a road that is just as good as any other. This is easier said than done, especially in business where you might meet resistance at the slightest hint that a decision isn’t working. However, movement in any direction will lead to more and better feedback than just standing still and “planning to plan.”

Key to Change
As you can see, making decisions is one of the key steps in a change process. In fact, it’s so powerful that well-know self improvement and personal development teachers recommend practicing decision making as a first step in changing your life.

My assignment to you is to take one day this week to practice making as many conscious decisions as possible. When you finish you day, make sure to come back and tell us all about it in the comments!

*Photo by Jill Greenseth

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What I most remember about this time was how uncomfortable I was. My leg muscles were always tight and cramped to the point that it hurt to sit still. I became incredibly clumsy and had to quit my gymnastics classes, which I was pretty good at previously. I was also hungry ALL THE TIME. It sometimes felt like I literally could not put food into my mouth fast enough.

The problems I experienced all stemmed from one issue: the body I had no longer fit the body I was growing into.

I’ve had similar experiences in my emotional and psychological state as well. At times I’ve felt like my current life didn’t quite “fit,” but I wasn’t yet ready to take a step toward my next stage.

A good friend is going through this right now. She is in the process of ending a long-term relationship, but her actions tell me that she isn’t ready to be done with that part of her past yet. The result is this hybrid state of existence that isn’t really in the relationship, but still isn’t out of the relationship. She’s living in the in between right now, working through the last few issues she needs to resolve and trying to figure out what her future is going to look like.

That in between place can be pretty painful, but it also provides an opportunity to live in the discomfort and use it to prepare for the future. It seems to me that every significant change involves a painful time of metamorphosis. Do you think the caterpillar enjoys being stuck in a cocoon? It sure doesn’t look fun!

So, if you are stuck in the doldrums of a life change, what can you do to make the most of it?

• Sit with the pain. Any change or move in a different direction means leaving something behind. Whether it’s a relationship, a former career, or just being able to wear Wonder Woman Underoos, take some time to grieve the end of that life stage. It might be helpful to have a small “funeral” of sorts to say goodbye.

• Take some time to reflect. Do a little analysis on your previous life stage. Decide what you’d like to keep from it and what you’d like to change. Maybe you did a great job being a supportive partner but need to improve on taking care of your own needs. Maybe you still want to wear playful underwear, but realize pink ponytail holders aren’t the look for you anymore. Human beings seem to be wired to want progress all the time. Be willing to use the pause in your progress to gather more information for better decision making in the future. This is a way to help make sure you don’t keep repeating the mistakes from your past.

• Visualize your ideal future. Once you’ve dissected the past sufficiently, take the information you’ve gathered to inform your vision of your ideal future. Be very detailed and specific. If you’re looking for a new partner, make a list of 100 qualities you want that person to have. If you’re changing the way you dress, select the types of lines you want your clothes to have, the colors, the fabrics. This doesn’t mean that you’ll get everything you want, but it will give you guidelines to work from when making future decisions.

Waking up one morning and realizing that your life doesn’t fit you anymore is a difficult experience, but it is also necessary if we want to change and grow. I hope these tips will help you make the most of that transition time and ultimately lead to a better future.

As always, if you have stories to share about transformation, please tell us about them in the comments.

Photo taken from Flickr.
Title: Big ‘Sprout’ inside the Childrens’ Garden’s Giant Seed
Username: Lori; Date Taken: 2004-02-11 22:15:24

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LindaF recently commented on my Putting It All Together post:

A major turning point in my life was when I decided to quit my job as an assistant coach for a community college athletic team.

It was a rapid change rather than a gradual one. The head coach I worked for was emotionally unstable and verbally abusive. It had come to a point where I found that I spent a lot of my time and energy as a mediator, smoothing over situations where she had acted out of line with players, parents and coaches.

Sometimes I feel like I could have handled my resignation in a more “professional” manner (I packed up at an out of town tournament and got a flight out), but I don’t regret my decision to leave at all.

That was definitely a rapid change and reminded me of the guy who left AmeriCorps in the middle of the night. Then I read the Threshold of Tolerance thread over at Steve Pavlina’s forums which discusses ways to reach the “threshold” where a situation just isn’t tolerable anymore to hurry change along. I began to consider the idea that more uncomfortable a situation is, the quicker we will change it. It’s a bit like the old story of the frog in a pot of boiling water. In the version I’ve heard, if you put a frog in a pot of cool water and gradually heat it up, the frog will just stay there until it cooks. However, if you put a frog in a pot of water that is already boiling, it will jump out right away.

The moments in my life where I have been only vaguely unhappy (like when I suffered through confirmation class in 8th grade) have been easy to get used to. When I have been truly upset or miserable (like when a potential employer hit on me in a job interview!) I have been able to act quickly and decisively.

This leads to an interesting conclusion. Maybe, in order to be at our most efficient and effective when it comes to change, we need to suffer more!

Huh.

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Sitting at 5
Going back to the concept of a 1 to 10 scale, if you were unable to decide whether to Change or Accept It As It Is (and it doesn’t matter what “It” is – if you know what I mean you would be at a 5. Regardless of what the song says, to me 5 is the Loneliest Number. I hate being stuck with two legitimate choices and no way of figuring out what I want to do. If the situation and choices are large enough – such as deciding to end or continue a relationship, or to sell or keep the business – it can feel like your entire life is on hold. Fortunately, there are some techniques for getting past this.

Any Decision Can Be the Right Decision
When deciding between two equally legitimate choices, we tend to over magnify the importance of the choice. We have mental dialogues such as, “I have to choose the right career or my life will be ruined!” or “If I don’t decide who to go on a date with I will never find love!” We all need to get over ourselves right now. Very few decisions will ruin your chances for happiness for the rest of your life and even fewer are life and death.

The book Goal Free Living makes the argument that “No matter what decision you make, it is the right decision, if you truly commit to it and never look back.” I especially like this post from the author Stephen Shapiro that recommends making major life decisions using Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Be a 1 or Be a 10
The worst choice we can make in any situation is to Not Choose. Indecision is a like a weight that we carry around and it slows down our progress. Whatever tool you find most helpful in making a decision, use it and get as close to a 1 or a 10 as possible. Don’t look back, don’t second guess and trust that any path is going to lead you to an interesting place.

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