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Is there anything in your work or personal life that has changed recently? Are you having trouble letting go of the “way things used to be?” Can you find anything positive about the new situation? If so, keep reading and I’ll teach you how to move forward more quickly and with fewer negative emotions than you have right now.

Paradigm: A set of assumptions, concepts, values, and practices that constitutes a way of viewing reality for the community that shares them …

Human beings have to create shortcuts to process all the information that comes at us every day. If we didn’t our brains would quickly become overwhelmed and we couldn’t function. Individually and as a society, we are constantly creating paradigms, which are essentially shortcut ways of understanding something. Problems arise when external conditions change, but our internal understanding stays the same.

This is a pretty abstract concept. Why is it important? Because clinging to old paradigms is a source of:

• Resistance to change
• Getting “stuck” in your work or personal life
• A lot of unhappy longing for the past

Here is an example to help you understand.

There are two main routes to get to my gym. Route 1 goes through town, has a few traffic lights, and generally moves along at the speed limit or a bit faster. Route 2 is along a secondary highway, has one or two traffic lights, and has a higher speed limit on average. You would think Route 2 would be reliably faster, and a couple of years ago you would be correct, but now conditions have changed.

Two summers ago, Route 2 was repaved. It used to be a 4 lane road, with 2 lanes traveling in each direction. During the repaving, the lanes were changed. Now there is 1 lane in each direction, a turning lane the whole length of the road, and bicycle lanes on both sides. This is great for bicyclists. Unfortunately, it seems that many of my communities more… let’s just call them town elders… live along that road. They tend to drive huge dinosaur burners and travel VERY SLOWLY, as in 35 MPH on a 50 MPH road. With the new lane configuration, there is no opportunity to pass these drivers.

It’s aggravating.

I stopped driving Route 2 a long time ago, unless I’ve got time to spare. My SO has not, and he inevitably gets stuck behind a slow moving vehicle and gets frustrated. Swearing ensues.

I finally realized that SO is clinging to an old paradigm. He keeps saying things like, “People used to drive 60 MPH on this road.” This is true, but it isn’t true anymore. The sooner he gets over this, the happier he’ll be!

How could he go about this?

Say Goodbye to Your Old Understanding

Before we can begin to accept the way things are now and build a new paradigm, it helps to find a way to bid adieu to the “way things used to be.” Some people call this finding closure. Others just call it “getting over it.” Either way, there are a few concrete steps you can take to get this done.

1. Honor Its Memory. It may seem a little hokey to have a memorial service for a goldfish or a traffic free road, but it can be helpful to do something to remember the old situation and what you liked about it. In my SO’s case, he could reminisce about driving with all the windows rolled down at a fast clip – along with all the speeding tickets that came with it
2. Let Go Of Old Feelings. If the remembering step doesn’t help you let go of old feelings, you could try tapping on them. You could also perform a ritual such as writing down a memory on a piece of paper and burning it. Think of a ritual from your own cultural or religious tradition that might be helpful if you are stuck on this point.
3. Construct A New Image. The human brain hates a vacuum, and it won’t accept an empty space where a paradigm used to live. Start to construct a new paradigm by creating an image of what your reality might look like now. I say might, because you may not have all of the information you need to complete this step at this point – especially if the change is very new.

Accept the New Reality

I almost titled this section “Welcome the New Reality,” but changed my mind. It’s simply not reasonable to expect anyone to be capable of welcoming ALL changes. In my SO’s situation, driving to the gym is going to take longer now, no matter which route he chooses to take. Knowing his personality, this is not a good thing. Similarly, dealing with being laid off, or having a chronic illness may not be happy events, but there are steps that we can take to make the transition easier.

1. Increase Exposure. One of the best ways to grow accustomed to a new reality is to just be around it as much as possible. My SO may want to continue to take his old route, but notice what his new rate of speed is, while trying not to get upset. Avoiding a changed situation often comes from denial or fear. By looking the change in the eye, it can more quickly become the “new normal.”
2. Find Positives. This one may feel like a stretch in some situations, but most changes have some positives to even out the negatives. Route 1 in my SO’s situation goes past a grocery store and drug store, so it makes running errands more convenient. This can save time in its own way. Even being downsized or having to take a medical leave from your work may open up new opportunities.
3. Make an Action Plan. Once you’re familiar with your new reality you can start to incorporate it into your plans. This is a powerful way to create a new paradigm. Not only do you recognize the reality as it now exists, but you include it in your daily life. My SO could choose Route 1 or Route 2 depending on which one best serves his needs, as long as he knows that Route 2 is different now.

I hope this post has shown you ways to honor past conditions in your life while incorporating a changed reality. If you have ways of doing this that are different than my suggestions, please share them with us in the comments.

Photo by Lynne Lancaster, aka wierdvis.

Related posts:

1. Changes That Stick: Maintaining the Change
2. How to Change When You’re Over 30
3. 5 Ways That You Can Manage Change Just Like the Big 3 Automakers
4. Super Secret Mind Control Techniques That Inspire Others to Change
5. If You Want to Change Your Life, You Have to Change Your Mind

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